special London sexolympics report : 4

Dear Olympics: More Nudity And/Or Violence, Please 

By Craig Hlavaty 

"We live in a cynical world, a cynical, cynical world..." said a very smart man once. Maybe it was Nietzsche, or Elmer Fudd. 

Artifacts like the Olympics -- both the summer and winter variety -- have grown boring and stale. TV giant NBC is getting torn to shreds for including haircut Ryan Seacrest in their stilted and censored coverage of the London games. He's better suited -- literally -- to talking to toothless mallrats in a convention center hellbent on pop domination than to human Thoroughbreds who have trained their bodies to commit superhuman feats.

Not only that, Americans don't like anything that isn't football or covered in smoke and oil. The Olympics in any season are a testament to the fabric of the human spirit and body, that much is true, but in just a few more Olympic cycles our idiocratic country will finally grow bored with javelins and the uncomfortably tight outfits of female teen gymnasts and change the channel.

With the time difference between the States and London, results are coming before prime-time viewers can even see them. It's like a 24-hour spoiler marathon. Imagine if every movie you have never seen was constantly being spoiled for you on social media for two weeks. Just now I saw the results of a few big events by merely checking my Twitter feed. A decade and change ago this wasn't possible, and you couldn't watch a foreign feed of the games at your leisure at the office.

Damn, even Michael Phelps doesn't even seem to care about what goes on, saying as much in a 60 Minutes piece days before the start of the games. He would rather be spending his endorsement money on chicks and weed. Do you blame him?

Search "boring" and "Olympics" on Twitter. Here, I'll do it for you. Art thou bored??
At least the Olympics got the opening ceremony right. It was like a three-hour Super Bowl halftime show without surprise titties, Madonna, and dumpster mouth. The presence of the stodgy royal family only slammed home the image of the games as a vestige of nobility and fodder for those with permanently upturned noses and asses affixed with sticks.

Americans need blood and nudity to get their rocks off. A few days ago there was a Mongolian nipple slip at a women's Judo event and then.... then there is the gluteus majesty of Olympic female volleyball. The guys have to wear special underwear so their junk doesn't make an Olympic splash too.

Then there is the Olympic Trampoline Team. I'm not the first to advocate Kate Upton and her buxom friends to take over the female competition. If we can bring basketball he-men like LeBron James across the pond to bloody up a team of Frenchmen why can't we bring our stellar American bra-power?
The Olympics are too genteel, too fey, for some. We watch UFC every month and crave bum fights. If it bleeds, it leads. We need boob flashes, dong peeks, and athletes that look like supermodels and rock stars.

Even events involving things that can kill you like archery and winter's rifle-toting Biathlons get overlooked. And Americans HATE IT when they have to lose to smaller foreigners, even if it's in an event that they would care less about nor knew existed before they saw it on the TV. Americans deserve nothing less than gold at all costs.

Things got juicy in 1994 when white-trash Tonya Harding got her man-goons to club Nancy Kerrigan in the knee before that year's Lillehammer Winter Olympics. We need more drama like that to keep eyes and ears glued to the games.

Give the water polo folks machetes, put alligators in the swimming pools, have porn stars learn to pole vault, fastest tweeting events, and maybe add some sort of Shake Weight competition to the mix, because they make you look like you are jacking someone off. Also, freestyle fellatio. Somehow. Just throw a little parental advisory on the TV somewhere. And lastly, fire. There is never enough fire.

 

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Australia's female swimmers reading erotic thriller Fifty Shades of Grey to relax at London Olympics

Stephanie Rice tweeted this pic of herself reading Fifty Shades of Grey before the London Olympics, while teammate Alicia Coutts has admitted to using the book to help relax during the Games.

ALL the female swimmers on the Australian team are reading Fifty Shades of Grey "to relax".

As Australia's swimmers dive into the explicity erotic trilogy when not in the pool, the Australian Olympic Committee has revealed there has been a "huge" rush for relaxation help from athletes struggling to sleep at the London Games.

"Most of the swimming girls are reading Fifty Shades of Grey. We're all talking about it," Alicia Coutts said.

The silver medallist in the 200m individual medley is the highest multiple female medallist at the Games.

Coutts said she picked up the book at a service station when the Australians travelled from their training camp in Manchester to the Athletes Village.

"Everyone has been talking about it," the 24-year-old Queenslander said.

"My manager said just forget about the sex bits and it's actually a really good story.

"I've found it really interesting. I can't put it down."

Coutts, who was now on to the second book in the series, said she read it at every opportunity during Olympic downtime.

"Normally when I race I watch a series on my laptop, but I've just been so into this book, that I haven't even got my DVDs out," she said.

The issue of lack of sleep for our swimmers became acute after James Magnussen described his fraught build-up to the botched freestyle relay last Monday after barely sleeping for two days.

"I didn't sleep for a couple of days leading up to the event and the morning of my race my hands were shaking and my heart was beating out of my chest," Magnussen said at the time.

Australian Olympic Committee deputy chef de mission Kitty Chiller said "few" athletes, and no swimmers, had requested Temazepan.

Ms Chiller said there was a "huge" request for the teams relaxation techniques.

For the first time at an Olympics, Australian senior sports psychologist Ruth Anderson prepared a two-page laminated document that details relaxation and meditation techniques for athletes.

Athletes were also using a recovery centre where psychologists guide them through relaxation DVDs and CDs in dark rooms.

"We made sure this time we had things like this because of the Stilnox issue," Ms Chiller said.

"People are just taking precautions and being proactive at the start.

"If something does happen at 2am and they are still awake, they have the arsenal next to their bed in terms of relaxation techniques."

Australia's head swimming coach Leigh Nugent said the issue of what medication Magnussen might have used to help improve his sleep before his turnaround swims in the 100m freestyle heats and semi-finals was a matter for Magnussen, his coach Brant Best and team doctor Michael Makdissi.

"I don't know if James took anything to help him sleep or what if he did. He and Brant manage that with the team doctor," Nugent said.

The milder sleep-inducing medication temazepam is available to swimmers and other athletes in consultation with team doctors.

"Watching him show the character he did to bounce back in the heats and semi-final, he obviously got enough sleep to go fast there," Nugent said.

"Stilnox is irrelevant to this team. It is banned by the Australian Olympic Committee.

"Doctors take care of any medication. I'm not sleeping much and I haven't been given anything and I'm rooming with the doc (Makdissi).

"If James felt he needed some support (with sleep medication), he and his coach would just be dealing with the doctor."

When it comes to down time and relaxation, the US swimmers have stuck to more wholesome pursuits out of the pool.

Michael Phelps revealed he watched television series The Wire during the London Games and partnered with nemesis Ryan Lochte to take on teammates in the card game Spades.

Relaxation has become an integral issue for the Australian team at the London Games, as many have admitted they struggled to sleep.

Coutts also revealed the swim team was sleep deprived, saying they were on a "high" and had to learn to get over it.

"A couple of nights I haven't slept so well either," she said.

"A day or two is not really going to affect you.

"If you got a good rest leading into the Games, then you shouldn't have a problem."

Head coach Nugent agreed.

"Sometimes sleeping is over-rated a bit," Nugent said.

"If you think you need eight of 10 hours and get seven, it's still plenty. Sometimes we think we are not sleeping when we are getting enough to keep going and we are resting.

"In the end, it's more about resting. If part of that is a good heavy sleep for a short period that has to be enough. It's about coming out to perform."

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Ryan Lochte's Sex Life Includes 'One-Night Stands' -- And Other Deep Thoughts From The Olympian On Love And Romance

The Huffington Post  |  By Emma Gray

Ryan Lochte, America's latest golden boy swimmer/imaginary boyfriend/Vogue cover model/verbally-challenged bro, has been getting a lot of attention during the London Olympics. After all, he won a gold medal, and he's pretty pretty. Turns out 27-year-old Lochte also has his fair share of opinions on women, romance and sex. Here are seven of them:

1. The best way to pick up a woman is to wink at her.
Lochte shared his very specific woman-wooing strategy in Women's Health's July/August issue. "[I] make eye contact. Some guys keep staring, but I'll give a wink and come back later, because it keeps her thinking," said Lochte.

(Photo Credit: AP)

2. Women are evil -- but being loved by one is still a worthy goal.
In an interview with ESPN, Lochte revealed some bitterness toward the opposite sex. "Is there decent girl out there who doesn't lie?" he asked. "They all lie. They're all evil. I just want to meet someone who is real, who is honest ... who wants to love me as a person." Note to Ryan: Calling women "evil" usually isn't a good way to get them to like you.

(Photo Credit: Annie Leibovitz/Vogue)

3. Women are second-hottest when they wear white pants.
Lochte apparently has an affinity for women who are extremely neat eaters. But he likes ladies in his button-downs even more than inappropriate-after-Labor-Day jeans.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

4. "One-night stands" are best.
Lochte's mom, Ike, told TODAY.com that her son was just too busy for a steady GF. Instead, the boy prefers to get around. "He goes out on one-night stands," she said. "He's not able to give fully to a relationship because he's always on the go." Question: Did Lochte tell his mom it was totally cool to discuss his sex life on national TV?

(Photo Credit: Getty)

5. What women want is a mystery.
If Lochte could have one superpower, he'd just want to emulate Mel Gibson in "What Women Want." He gets a bit confused by the ladies because, as he told Women's Health, "It's impossible to know what they're thinking."

(Photo Credit: AP)

6. Being an absentee father is a no-no.
Lochte may not have a serious girlfriend or be anyone's baby daddy just yet, but he is afraid of being a bad father. "I just have this fear of not being there to be a part of my child's life. And I don't want to miss anything," he told ESPN.com.

(Photo Credit: AP)

7. "The Notebook" is REALLY emotional.
Lochte's brother Devon told ESPN.com that Ryan suggested they watch "The Notebook" during a bro movie night. And Ryan, being the softy that he is, shed some tears watching The Gos woo Rachel McAdams.

(Photo Credit: AP)

So as the above quotes illustrate and our friends at BuzzFeed Shift pointed out earlier this week, Lochte may be many things, but a gifted orator he's not. Check out their lol-worthy mashup of Lochte's best-worst interview moments and be glad your Olympic boyfriend still has a few years to improve his eloquence:

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