:P

I don't feel like writing anything too serious today. I'll just keep typing into this laptop to fill up the space in my head that creeps and crawls. I have plenty to say, too much in fact. But it's not going on the Internet. Sorry but my ever so interesting life story is not something I'll put on here. I know all about tearing my heart out and wearing it on my sleeve for complete strangers. I'm the master of TMI ("too much information") and I ramble as bad in conversation as I do online. But the person I am changes too fast to even keep track of anymore these days. I will say this though: for someone so young I've lived a rather full and complex life. Even though I've barely lived at all I could die with a smile on my face today, I've made my mark and changed cold hearts with my compassion as well as hardened hearts with my malice. I can finally view existence as something that makes sense and remembered that believing in myself is the only thing that ever made sense to me.

Love Makes Fools Of Us All

(Savage Chickens)

I have no desire to share every twist and turn of my love life on the web, but I see some sense it keeping things in broad generalities.

The long and short of it is within my headline: love makes fools of us all.

I am tired of being the only man alive who admits to his feelings.

I am tired of being surrounded by people more interested in getting their rocks off than they are in anything else.

I am tired of the obvious lies from other men in terms of their emotional investment and complete servitude to their lover.

I have come to the conclusion that is a good thing to be alone, and a good thing for me to not have a lover. These days of endless pain and broken dreams have taught me well.

Most of the time I just keep quiet on this topic. The feelings and thoughts I have don’t give anyone the warm and fuzzy feelings they like to associate with love.

Like so much of what I have to say, the fact remains that nobody wants to hear it because it didn’t give them exactly what they expected and wanted to find.

Having some know-it-all tell you that love can destroy you, as quickly as it can raise you up, is not what someone swimming in the sea of romantic bliss wants to hear.

Listening to someone calling love a random and uncontrollable force of nature when you are convinced that your feelings are entirely centered around this person is just no fun at all.

Add atop that I have strong negative feelings toward those who engage in public displays of affection (something I am normally found of) and hold a general level of resentment toward all those who have found and, by some rare miracle, held on to love … we begin to see why I am better off to just shut up.

I find the more I could give a damn about women and romance, the more appealing I am to others.

I think this is screwy psychology on the part of women. When I enter that state I truly could give a damn about you (whoever you are) and this is exactly what makes women approach me in the first place. It is truly no surprise to me there is so much divorce and domestic violence; such matters are a large part of the problem.

Women (too many of them anyway) reward men for being dispassionate husks that sit aloof from the world in a tower of pride.

I know that state well, and I must say it not something to be desired in the least.

But it is my experience that the sooner I learn to once again think of all women as nothing but mere distractions, the sooner I will stop spending my nights alone and wanting.

My Gravitas ist Forbouten

No man nor woman hath doth the stomach to bare me hence.

There is no quarter and no relent for this lowly word-smith from the hounds of malicious design.

My gravitas ist forbouten in these times.

There is no wisdom and no emotion for this sacrificial chess piece of the ages.

No ear can hear these bold cries of reclamation.

No eye can see of the teachings on the page.

I am the solitary torch-flame blowing wildly late into the night.

My gravitas ist forbouten in these lands.

These be but the paths we tread in these days of electric night skies.

These be but the methods we indulge in this time of amplifications and misrepresentations.

Tiny truths and intangible everlasting wisdom, I would deny to thee.

For the value is wasted in a world as thus.

Reality be not a kind mistress, and I dare not parley only to reveal that all lies in ruin.

The flames that drive this furnace burn too hot for mass consumption.

My gravitas ist forbouten to thee.

Arthur C. Clarke: A Tribute to Genius

Arthur C. Clarke was a genius science fiction author.

I am in love with a certain short story of his found squeezed next to one I am far less fond of, but is still a good read.

"The City and The Stars" & "The Sands of Mars" are two different short stories contained in one novel.

From FantasicFiction.com:

THE CITY AND THE STARS The 10-billion-year-old metropolis of Diaspar is humanity's last home. Alone among immortals, the only man born in 10 million years desperately wants to find what lies beyond the City. His quest will uncover the destiny of a people...and a galaxy.

"Diaspar" is, in itself, a commentary on all society.

The entire body of this short story is like a large running commentary on the arrogance of humanity, and it's immense value as well.

This place is like a real city in my mind.

One possible outcome of all human civilization. One of many possible worlds.

A place of stagnation via perfection. Tyranny via acceptance.

A world where truly original thoughts and adventuring spirits are not just silenced, but wholly absent.

--

For those who dive deeply into his work, there is much to discover.

Not only did he accurately predict advances in science by means of science fiction, but I believe he held an insight to the greater elements at play in our world:

The Human Condition

The Foundations of Society

The Collective Self

The Joys of Passive Aggressive Post-It Notes

Does anyone else have this little problem?

I have no tolerance for it. If you have something to say to me, you come and say it to my face.

Part of the issue is that I wasn't living in the shameful situation of being back at home after having failed at striking out on my own, but the matter is old and frankly I'm sick of being nice to passive aggressive people and their evasive, elusive little hints.

I am officially a 'mean guy' because I'm not going to reduce myself down to this whimpering and pathetic note passing.

I'll just tell you I think your a social coward and don't have what it takes to cut it in the real world.

Or you could stop leaving your stupid, unhelpful notes around...

Ruefully Ambivalent

Sure as the sun gonna shine tomorrow you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll still be ruefully ambivalent about this tragedy before us.

Just like how someone else gets invited out to a drink with someone, you can bet that I had that moment and got over it in the same breath.

Like all the beautiful candies of misery that once drove me so wonderfully insane are now nothing but sour grapes, my spirit allows for little to enter it these days.

And frankly I like it. This is a good change.

Some rude person decided to flip me off the other day, and I didn't even react. The girlfriend of this person was staring at me in the mirror of her car in mild disbelief. I think she might have been inexperienced with ruefull ambivalence in action.

I don't care. Make your stupid gestures. Be part of the hostility and insanity that is killing our culture and destroying our society.

The fact of the matter is this is the strongest position one can possibly hope to take.

The only downside is the lack of pleasure. Even getting what I want is hollow and predictable therefore it holds no elation nor prize to achieve.

Some people have to make this choice. Lest we become monsters that plague the lives of others.

Talking About God and Science

An anonymous man once impressed this image upon my mind:

I was doing one of these things awhile back and there was this guy in the room with a huge chip on his shoulder as soon as I said the word ‘God.’ This guy was huge, almost seven feet tall and arms like a gorilla. He told me there wasn’t no such thing as God and on top of that since nobody in the room could do a damn thing about him that he was God as far as it mattered. So I put a challenge to him. I emptied out a dresser, moved it out into the center of the room, and had everyone help me fill the bottom drawer with all the training weights we could. Then I told him to lift it up high. He struggled and moved it around more than I thought he would. But he couldn’t get it off the ground. Then we had everyone in the room, with him, try and lift the dresser. It came up from the floor so easily we almost hurt ourselves, surprised at our mutual strength. When we all sat down again after replacing the dresser and the weights he asked me what was the point. I told him that when he walked in that door today he thought he was God and now he can see that some things are outside his power. The God in everyone else with himself included was stronger than he could ever hope to be alone. So he was not God. But God was still present in the room, between all of us and stronger than any of us.
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If you change the physical nature of this image of the huge man proclaiming himself “God” for a more intellectual design, one might evoke an image of a high-brow scholar scribbling out a formula that disproves the existence of God.

This is my impression of many atheists, and certain agonistics, I encounter. It seems to me that many have ‘thought God out of existence’ in the course of earnest and worthwhile studies. To my perception all science, and the nature of all knowledge itself, provides us with a constant ’unknown.’ Even in the absence of any religious background there is more than enough room for an understanding of the universe and life beyond simple reasoning’s of black-and-white logic.

While science shatters dogma and begs the eternal question simultaneously, it still does not negate the concept of a higher power.